I Wasn't Supposed to Be Here Today

But I am, in order to coordinate client review and subsequent edits on my big important project. Not to go into great detail, but I am creating a bunch of fact sheets, and they are so CUTE. My graphics people have done the best job creating visuals for topics that aren't normally very sexy or compelling. I had sent them to my client for comment and this morning we got to discuss them over the phone. My client cracks me up to no end. He's the biggest misanthrope on the planet. Whereas others might roll their eyes at his constant negativity, I find it incredibly funny. Probably because I sometimes wish I could skirt social convention to be that big of a pain in the ass too (oh wait, I sometimes do). Here are some excerpts from our conversation.

Me: Hi it's [HP] from [place of work].
Client: (flatly) Oh, great. I thought it would be you.

Isn't that delightful? Most people would probably counter with something annoying like "Good morning, how are you?" But since the words "good morning" make me wince (I'm serious--I hate mornings more than you could possibly know), this alternative was so different that it actually shocked me a bit. I was too stunned to be offended.

We exchange unpleasantries for a bit. He's aghast that I still have a cold. I'm annoyed he has issues with the color scheme of the fact sheets. He claims to have a "ton" of edits for me, but in reality he just wants to point out some inconsistent capitalizations--the kind of edits I learned to be conscious of when I was an intern, and that I was honestly too lazy to catch myself. I promise to be more attentive in the future. He complains that he's supposed to be on vacation, not checking fact sheet content. I don't have the heart to tell him that I too am supposed to be on vacation, not confined to my cube, trading verbal spars with a grumpy old man. I mutter something appeasing.

Not reacting to him in the knee-jerk slightly bitchy manner that naturally emerges whenever I am forced to deal with a difficult personality is a challenge. He basically says what I wish I could say, but have been socialized to repress. On the one hand I think it's kind of awesome. On the other, he's my client and I have to be nice to him. I wish he wasn't my client so we could throw back some beers and trade insults. My mother would be horrified.

He asks when the rest of the content will be ready. I tell him later today. He says we can talk again tomorrow morning.

Me: Yes, why don't we plan to chat again tomorrow at this time?
Client: I'm really looking forward to talking to you again tomorrow.
Me: Me too, it will be the high point of my day.
Client: No really, I'm really looking forward to tomorrow's conversation.
Me: Me too. No really, it'll be great.

And then I hung up and laughed hysterically for a good minute--the kind of loud, prolonged belly laugh that expresses both relief and amusement. My boss actually came over to see if I was okay. Another coworker who sits two cubes over came by to tell me that was that funniest conversation he's overheard in a long time. I'm sure that the rest of my team, who I know sometimes take issue with my talent for bluntly expressing myself (yes, I am working on it) are secretly amused by our dynamic. I am after all, the one who is constantly defending said client because in a way I think that explaining his misanthropy may explain my own.

In other news, I have not had a cigarette since yesterday at 7:00 pm. That is roughly four cigarettes that I have not smoked. I have saved a dollar. The biggest challenge with not smoking (at least in my opinion) is coming up with things to do instead. Like, what do I do after lunch? I used to go outside and smoke. Today I returned to my cube and ate an apple. Then I amused myself by looking up pictures of lungs effected by emphysema. Gross.

In further other news, I am a big dork. People say you shouldn't hookup with coworkers because it's unprofessional. It's also a problem because sometimes you see them and kind of want to kiss them and you can't because other people are around. So instead you act like a total dork and spew all sorts of word vomit. Not that this has ever happened to me, but I imagine it's what it would be like if I had.

And finally, in other other news, one of my female coworkers just commented that I have lost weight. I thought I had, but I wasn't sure since I refuse to own a scale. I have simply been going by the fact that my jeans seem a little loose. But then I thought that maybe I had been whishing to lose weight so much that maybe I just hallucinated my jeans hanging off of my hips. In case you were wondering how I accomplished this feat, I will tell you: less beer. less fat. Kickball being over for the season helped a lot too. Kickball seems to make me fat.

So to recap: my client is a pain, I am lost without cigarettes, I am certainly not lusting after an inappropriate person and self depravation=skinniness.