Quick to Judge? That's How I Roll...

I'm sure many people will come down rather hard on me for what I am about to say, but I'll say it anyway. Far be it from me to ever hold back, right? I can usually tell within the first five minutes of talking to a guy if I think there's a possibility that I'll ever want to take it to a more physical level. That is all I need to assess appearance, personality, sense of humor, weirdness levels, confidence, overall awesomeness. If they've passed my five minute test, flirting may ensue. If not, well to quote the kids on MTV, "NEXT!"

The five minute test came in handy last night as I was sipping G&Ts with my date, who we'll refer to as "Man of the Hour" in a bar I normally reserve for second or third dates (it has sofas and is therefore conducive to closer proximity, and therefore better flirting) but I hadn't been there in a few weeks so I thought I'd give it a whirl. To be clear, my date with "Many of the Hour" was indeed a blind one. I had seen photos though, and they seemed promising (it's so hard to tell with photos though...I will be the first to admit that I don't look in photos the way I do in real life--I'm cuter), but after 30 seconds with MOTH I was developing that sinking in the pit of your stomach feeling that he wasn't going to do. Ostensibly, there was nothing wrong with MOTH. He was smart and funny, two very important qualities. But, he just wasn't that cute, and the five minute test revealed him to be incredibly nervous (and not in an endearing way), insecure, and just slightly weird. I know "just slightly weird" is a rather vague term, and I can just hear Lulu, E, and E2 asking me "slightly weird in what way?" I can't pinpoint it, but it's a quality I encounter in a lot of guys and I like to use it as a catch-all term to encompass subtle personality flaws that add up to deal breakers. And he had a really annoying laugh. Oy vey.

As efficient as the five minute test is, it still means that you have to play along with the date for at least another hour or two. Luckily, this why God invented gin, tonic water, and Parliament Lights. In fact, I believe those three items were placed on earth for the specific purpose of helping girls endure the agony that is a bad first date. Also lucky, is that I was in the drama club in high school (I was also year book editor in case any of you misguided souls were harbouring any thoughts that I was cool when I was 16) so I can act when forced to (I generally prefer not to but some situations call for it). So, I enjoyed two free cocktails, smoked a couple cigs, and traded friends getting married horror stories with MOTH (who was definitely pretty entertaining after a couple drinks, but not entertaining enough that I would ever kiss him or stand closer than three feet from him) and faked it. E and KB also appened to be there, chilling with a bunch of people I've never seen before. I swear I didn't know they'd be there. I don't think MOTH believed me though. But it was comforting to know that two of my people were in close proximity, even if E kept on bumming cigs from me.


Now, there have been times when I have questioned the authority of the five minute rule. For instance, I once met a guy who I assumed was a complete jerk when we first met, but he surprised me by asking me out after we hooked up (it usually doesn't happen that way for me) and I said yes even though I didn't think that highly of him (sometimes people surprise you). Of course after our first date, which stretched into lunch the next day, I was enamored of him. And that continued for the next 6 weeks, and he continued to get cuter and more charming by the day. But then that changed abruptly and he went back to his original jerkiness. So the lesson learned there--remember the five minute test!



*****

Have you ever had a moment where you look in the mirror and ask yourself "Who's that hot piece of ass?" Yup, that was me this morning. My halfway between skinny and not skinny jeans are fitting again! I celebrated with a bagel, but I swear I will get to the gym again within the next couple of days.