With My Hand Covering My Eyes, I Peer Through My Fingers at the Inevitable Train Wreck

I've developed a habit in recent months of hating on Zach Braff. I will admit that this is not by any means an original hobby. The Onion's A/V Club published a lovely missive not long ago entitled Awful Things Zach Braff is (Probably) Responsible For. Once upon a time, I had no issue with ZB. I enjoyed the occasional episode of Scrubs and thought that Garden State was an okay, although extremely overrated movie. I even thought he was cute.

The turning point occurred when I foolishly watched The Last Kiss on DVD a few months ago. It's my own damn fault, I readily admit it. Five minutes into the picture I decided I hated it, yet stubbornly sat through the entire thing just so I could see exactly how much and why it was so extremely awful. I came up with many reasons, the list of which is far too long to share so I will just state its worst offense: ZB's character acts like a complete dick and in the end, gets away with it. I'm not talking oh, he fucked up, but hey, live and learn. I'm talking, he behaves like a pretentious, pampered, immature, myopic, greedy little shit the entire time and we're all supposed to forgive him in the end because he realizes his mistakes. That, and his nose really bothers me.

I know. It was a movie, not real life. The real ZB would never commit such heinous offenses. I also realize that it's bad to cast judgments on people based on their noses, over which they surely have no control. But still, you have to consider the fact that ZB took that role, so you have to wonder what he thought of the character. In my opinion that character should never have existed at all, let alone be brought to life on the silver screen. It's simply a horrid example of 30-something middle class white guys at their absolute worst.

I also take issue with the fact that he clearly fancies himself an indie-rock taste maker, although many of the bands on the Garden State soundtrack sound a lot alike in their semi-twee naval gazing kind of way. Whenever I find myself with an urge to hear the Carey Brothers I instead ask myself what's wrong, and how can I extract myself from this current state? And while I like the Shins as much as the next person, I never thought that they'd change my life, and I really think that's an unfair statement to make about a band. I don't know. I wish ZB would diversify his music recommendations a bit.

This is all to say that I just stumbled upon this gem on musicslut and am now bracing myself for the inevitable train wreck to come. Please oh, please. Leave Elliot Smith alone.


In other news, I am most excited for the weekend. Among other fine and exciting plans, I get to drink my favorite Pinot Noir with two of my favorite women in DC tomorrow night. I am confident that ZB will not make an appearance. Although one never can be too sure.