Why People Lock Their Doors

People lock their doors because when they don't other people who they don't want to see might come into their homes. These people may be intoxicated ex-friends-with-benefits who are too drunk to drive themselves home but think they can walk into your home at 3 in the morning and find a hospitable place to stay. These people won't take the fact that its 3 am and you haven't spoken them in several months as a deterrent. No sirree. They want to sleep in your house and they want to do so immediately. These are often the same people who have ripped cigarettes from your lips as you've been smoking them to protest your habit and who have told you that they'd never take you seriously as a potential girlfriend because they met you at a bar rather than at a bookstore or on the Metro even though you go to bookstores a lot and ride the Metro about 20 times a week. These are people with a myriad of conflicting needs, who want what they want, in the very specific way that they want it and not even a smidge differently. These are people who show up in your room, unannounced, trashed, demanding to know why you don't answer their 5 am phone calls anymore. These people are not dangerous per say. They're not the same people who enter your home at night in order to take your best silverware or to reappropriate your plasma screen. But they're disturbing nonetheless. These are people who sane people tend to ignore but when faced with their presence at the foot of their beds at 3 am have little control over the situation. These are people with control issues. These are people who pass out on your sofa and then worm their way into your bed after you have fallen asleep again. These are people who offer to drive you to work in the morning after their intrusion has totally messed up your rhythms and you're about to be late for work. These are people who deliberately drive the wrong way up Rock Creek Parkway in a lane that has been closed to all traffic simply because they disagree with the way in which traffic has been engineered to flow. These are people who remark that their current girlfriends are not as interesting as you as you clutch your seat as they swerve past cars that aren't going as fast as they'd like. These are people who inspire you to take stock of your living situation and to wonder if perhaps you need to adopt a nice big attack dog from the local animal shelter.

And that is why people lock their doors. Remember kids, Hey Pretty learns things the hard way so that you don't have to.