An Open Letter To Lindsay Lohan's Publicist

Boy, are you completely falling down on the job. Have you even represented a celebrity before? God, I've only ever done non-profit PR and even I can tell that you're f'ing up big time. Here, let me help you.

When repping a celeb you have two primary tactics at your disposal: getting your girl into the media and getting your girl out of the media. Got that? In or out. Now. As we all know, our little Li-Lo has very little trouble getting into the media. Heck, our little Marilyn-in-training blows her nose and flash bulbs pop. But the staying out part? I hate to break this to you, but this is a young lady who came of age in Hollywood, experienced some lackluster parenting and has since developed a mighty substance abuse problem. She is at this time, in no way capable of keeping herself out of the media. It just ain't gonna happen. That however, is where you come in. Pay off the paparazzi, hire a double who looks just like her to act properly in public (like a real life version of Parent Trap--how meta, I know!), construct large mirrors and set up huge smoke machines all over the greater LA region, do SOMETHING to get this girl out of the tabloids.

Then, send her to rehab. And I when I say rehab, I mean just that. A place with lots of doctors and other experts who can help her get well. Not a spa where she gets to f*ck around all day and riding horses and getting facials. Leave her there for a while to dry out.

Okay, so about that acting career. First, have you stopped to ask her if she really wants an acting career? Because maybe all this to-do is her acting up in order to get out of acting. Maybe she'd prefer a quieter scene where she goes to college, gets a job, rents an apartment with her best gal pal and lives for whatever the lastest designer knock-offs are being churned out in any given season by H&M. Woah, wouldn't that make for a genius reality show? It would be like that show with Danny Bonaduci meets The Hills, only low rent. Anyway.

Let's assume she does want to act. There's still the problem of insurance and the fact that nobody wants to insure her because then their movies can't get bonded, which is bad for some reason I don't know about and am too lazy to Google. If memory serves, a similar thing happened to my future husband, Robert Downey Jr. (as opposed to my other future husband, CJ from Top Chef). Bob D. Jr's representation decided that the only thing he could do was to do some cheaper indie films for a while. This was good in many respects, chief among them that he got to lie a bit lower for a while, work at what he loved, and remind people of his talent. Several years into this endeavor, my darling Bob D. Jr has nice little career going and is a widely respected master of his craft.

I suggest that our Li-Lo take similar measures in order to repair her tarnished public image. Girlfriend is only 21. It's certainly not too late for her to thrive if she's advised by people with brains who have her best interests at heart.

If you require any assistance launching or maintaining this strategy, please let me know. My services are available at the very reasonable price of $600 dollars an hour. Give me a jingle and we'll chat.